Tag Archives: love

“You Seem to be Handling Things so Well!” : The Truth

15 Jan

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Exactly a week ago I sat here, and I lost you. I’m in the same exact spot, except now my apartment is messy and it looks like a tornado hit it. Appropriate, I suppose, since it’s also the way I feel. A mix of new things have ended up on tables, couches, floors, and counters since- but it’s still there. The bag and sunglasses you got me that I love are on the sofa. You gave them to me as you came to let me go. How can I use them without thinking of you? I love them. I don’t want them. You insisted. The gift bag and tissue paper are on the floor. I’ve been looking at the bag and glasses on the couch next to me all week. For some reason today i noticed the tissue paper on the floor, it’s the first time I really looked at it, and that’s when it hit me, and I lost it. The tissue paper, the sleeping medicine wrapper from after, your t-shirt in my laundry room, the letter i wrote you 4 months ago. It’s all here. I meant to put it in a bag to give to you but never did it.

Tomorrow Maria Luisa will come and clean. There’s something awful about the idea of coming home to a place that looks unused. I used to enjoy it, because it was always right before the weekend, but I was always with you on the weekend. Clean apartment meant it was time to see you. To sleep with you. To wake up with you. Tomorrow, and from now on a clean apartment is just me. I have to live here without you. We never actually stayed over here, but now I do have to, and the loneliness of it all is killing me.

The girls say I seem to be doing really well. They say much beter than with B. B blindsided me and they were here for the intial few days. I didn’t love B. I was alone for 48 excrutiating hours for this with you. Nobody else was back yet.

I’ve been keeping busy- beach, work, friends, fitness classes…I was laying in bed today thinking “maybe I’m okay- not ready- but okay”. Then the power nap wasn’t enough and I skipped going to my yoga class just this one day…..and that’s when I walked into my living room and saw it there and was hit hard and fast with the devestating truth. I haven’t been handling things well- I haven’t been handling it all and sooner or later it will all hit me and I will REALLY lose it.

I unfollwed you on Facebook and Instagram. I avoid walking by your street when I come home. I deleted our Whatsapp conversation. Suddenly the most important person to me in this whole country is no longer mine. I no longer have access. I can’t see you or I’ll want to fall back into waking up with you- and I can’t handle that rejection. I can’t stand being demoted. Really, I lost access to you months ago, but it’s real now. There’s no bounce back this time. I wish I could be friends with you like you want, but I can’t see you that way again. I fell in love with that person. As soon as I start remembering that person I’m going to be torn apart again. My only hope is to keep you at a distance as someone who didn’t see me for more than 5 minutes after a month of being in different countries before breaking my heart.

I know we can never go back. It’s broken, I’m broken, but I don’t know how to go forward either. I want you to come over so I can tell you all about it, but you can’t help me.

I can’t get you out of my dreams either. Any spare moment for my mind is another trap, it wanders right to you. Nights and weekends, nights and weekends, those are my enemies now.

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I don’t know how to do another year and a half without you by my side. Putting my life in order without you is awful. I already booked that resort trip for April and can’t cancel it. No trip, no cruise, no camping, no dog walks, no hikes, no sex, no How I Met Your Mother or Orange is the New Black marathons. No movie education, no gallo pinto on Saturnday mornings or stealing sips of your coffee. No more Cartago Sunday’s or business beach trips. No more gossip. No more falling asleep on your chest after an exhausting week. No more stupid jokes or movie quotes. No more singing in the kitchen or watching you do impressions. Nomore watching you stand naked in your room or rock paper scissoring to see who had to unpause the computer. No more cooking lessons or pizza creations or Whatsapp picture convos. No more pillow barriers or dengue jokes. No more ice cream with an absurd amount of whipped cream in bed.

I loved the way you used to calm me down. I loved the way you always made a joke out of things. I hated how you laughed when I cried because emotion made you uncomfortable. I hate that i cried even more. I hate that I made major decisions with you in mind because now I’m stuck with them and not you. I love how my injuries and general body messes didn’t freak you out. I hate how you stopped talking to me. I hate that I couldn’t reach you and that I had to try so hard. I hate that you stopped looking at me and being gentle. I loved how considerate you used to be. I loved how you loved my friends. I hate that we had our best moments with them, not alone. I loved the sex we had during the World Cup, in Nosara, after my surgery, and the last day of Thanksgiving break. I hate that you stopped touching me. I hate how I went home and got all new clothes, all excited that you’d have something fresh to see and some classier looks on your arm- and now I have things and not you. You never saw them. I hate that overall I wasn’t worth enough for you to want to make it work.

I hate that I thought I really was doing okay- but I’m not,

and you’re really gone.

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…to those who wait

3 Apr

Good things come to those who wait.

Though I should know who wrote that, I haven’t the desire to search for it right now- I have some thoughts to express. As it turns out, I’m not very good at the whole waiting thing.

As I’ve mentioned in some previous posts, loss seems to be  a common theme in my life this past year. In reference to the relationship kind, that’s been more prominent than ever.

I am grateful for all of the lessons, the failures, and struggles these relationships inevitably come to face. I have grown from them and am at a point in my life where I can recognize what I’ve had to learn and change from. It makes the loss a tad more tolerable. It doesn’t make it any easier though.

As it turns out, I actually met a good guy and we shared a mutual physical, intellectual, and moral interest. We had been hanging out very frequently and had come to be in a very open communication, both expressing how we felt and what we needed.

Sure, it sounds great… but it’s never that simple.

This wonderful guy and I met through the guy I was previously dating. They don’t actually seem to be fantastic friends, but they’re friends nonetheless.

Now, as this huge improvement in my selection of guys is one of the good guys- his conscience has gotten in the way, and has halted the progress of our relationship. And by halted I mean severed completely….

Why? Why must the universe tease me with what I can have and then rip it away?

Clearly…it’s because I choose not to wait. It’s not that I can’t – it’s that I won’t. If I had heeded warning not to date B (previous guy) I was supposed to meet M (current..or recently un-current if you will). I did it anyway. There was something in front of me that seemed fun and like it was going to work well- plus I’d never met the other guy before and set ups are awkward and I may never meet him anyway and who knew if things would even click so if I were to wait I’d be losing out on what was actually there?

Then things ended with B and I could have eased into what felt like an eternally long friendship waiting for the right time – but that would go against my impulsive need to express and go for what I want, after all, I missed out on so many things in the past from waiting for the right time, or the right circumstance or the right sign. I waited on everything and everyone else.And when I did that I lost out.

So this time I continued to go for what my gut told me. I expressed what I needed and I made my interests clear. A little progress was made. Then I had to have an answer about where it was going- and the response was not what I wanted to hear. And I lost. When I did wait and it seemed like good things came my way they ended. When I didn’t, I lost. So what’s the deal?

Waiting, I’ve concluded, is a total spoonful of words to help people who are uncertain or afraid feel better about their slow actions, or lack there of.Unless waiting is to help stop us from murdering the neighbors sumo wrestling at 3am… I guess it has it’s purpose. But in safe, typically sane circumstances waiting is bullshit.

No matter what side I enter from, whatever I had has been doomed to failure. Because I’m not done learning. No matter how long or short those good things last- they come to an end regardless of how long I restrained myself from what I wanted.

The consequences aren’t always pretty, but they serve a purpose, but for now – for me – waiting will just be doing what my gut tells me to, when it feels ready.

Progress Achieved: Now Please Return to Square 1

19 Feb

SQUARE 1: Uncertainty, comparing new prospects to old ones, complete lack of dating life, missing the old relationship, irritated with overly-public couples, still feeling pretty strange about dating in general.

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Way back in September 2013 I published a post called “The Overly-Committed Commitmentphobe” where I stated,

“Relationships? Ppsh, not unless I think we’re getting married. Not that I want to get married, but if you’re not freaking awesome and I can’t see the long-term with you I’m probably out. Once I’m in, I’m usually in until you break-up with me. No matter how unhappy things are.”

Well, my friends. I’ve done what I never thought I could- I ended things with someone first. What happened?

Long story short – was dating him for about 6 months, nothing was ever officially defined but he had said on multiple occasions that he was absolutely not dating/pursuing/hooking up with anyone else. As I’m not the the to  pry and I give people the benefit of the doubt I was quite happy with things and left it at that. One beautiful Saturday morning I get news that a friend had found out he was seeing and sleeping with another girl that he’d met at my work Halloween party (note: do not mix work and pleasure). She was not from my work but nonetheless since that time they’d been seeing each other. She was aware that they were not exclusive- I on the other hand was not. I had him come over to talk in person and to give him the chance to come clean himself first and then again when I told him what I knew. Total denial. I felt awful about this potential lie so I had my sources double checked- and directly from said girl got the details that made the accusation even more concrete. As I don’t accept lying and cheating- at least not when it’s right in front of my face, I ended it.

I thought it would be easy- calling out the lie and being the strong one to end it and stand up for myself. I thought I’d feel proud and empowered. Nope.

I think knowing that it was my decision to lose what I had is actually a lot harder. Not to mention he himself never confirmed things (he didn’t argue against it very hard either though) and it left me in this terrible limbo of not knowing the actual truth. For all I know I called him out and he was telling the truth, and I not only hurt myself but him. If it is in fact true though- I should feel good that I cut it off now- and yet I’m not angry. Let’s be honest here too, angry is a lot easier than sad and forgiving. My friends have enough anger for both of us – but I can only expect to feed off of that for so long.

Fortunately at the time, and unfortunately now – he was a part of my life for a good chunk of recent time with good memories attached and those are found in little places everywhere. A scent on the pillow case (wash them asap) , the extra charger he’d use for his phone, the toothbrush in the bathroom (toss it), the extra blanket I bought because he was always colder than me. Little things that serve as constant memories.

I know I followed through everything the right way from when we met to how I ended it. I am pretty proud of myself for the maturity and poise I didn’t realize I honestly had in me (I guess all those past lessons really did pay off). However, after doing the right thing I’m still feeling pretty low about how it ended and the sheer fact that he’s gone, AND as a reward for playing by the rules and having some respect for me I’m back to square 1.

And to think I’d almost forgotten why I never tried to leave it in the first place….

Looking up, here’s to freedom, truth, and self-respect. May it get easier in time.

Speak Up! What’s the most useful lesson or self-growth you’ve gained from a breakup?