Tag Archives: exes

“You Seem to be Handling Things so Well!” : The Truth

15 Jan


Exactly a week ago I sat here, and I lost you. I’m in the same exact spot, except now my apartment is messy and it looks like a tornado hit it. Appropriate, I suppose, since it’s also the way I feel. A mix of new things have ended up on tables, couches, floors, and counters since- but it’s still there. The bag and sunglasses you got me that I love are on the sofa. You gave them to me as you came to let me go. How can I use them without thinking of you? I love them. I don’t want them. You insisted. The gift bag and tissue paper are on the floor. I’ve been looking at the bag and glasses on the couch next to me all week. For some reason today i noticed the tissue paper on the floor, it’s the first time I really looked at it, and that’s when it hit me, and I lost it. The tissue paper, the sleeping medicine wrapper from after, your t-shirt in my laundry room, the letter i wrote you 4 months ago. It’s all here. I meant to put it in a bag to give to you but never did it.

Tomorrow Maria Luisa will come and clean. There’s something awful about the idea of coming home to a place that looks unused. I used to enjoy it, because it was always right before the weekend, but I was always with you on the weekend. Clean apartment meant it was time to see you. To sleep with you. To wake up with you. Tomorrow, and from now on a clean apartment is just me. I have to live here without you. We never actually stayed over here, but now I do have to, and the loneliness of it all is killing me.

The girls say I seem to be doing really well. They say much beter than with B. B blindsided me and they were here for the intial few days. I didn’t love B. I was alone for 48 excrutiating hours for this with you. Nobody else was back yet.

I’ve been keeping busy- beach, work, friends, fitness classes…I was laying in bed today thinking “maybe I’m okay- not ready- but okay”. Then the power nap wasn’t enough and I skipped going to my yoga class just this one day…..and that’s when I walked into my living room and saw it there and was hit hard and fast with the devestating truth. I haven’t been handling things well- I haven’t been handling it all and sooner or later it will all hit me and I will REALLY lose it.

I unfollwed you on Facebook and Instagram. I avoid walking by your street when I come home. I deleted our Whatsapp conversation. Suddenly the most important person to me in this whole country is no longer mine. I no longer have access. I can’t see you or I’ll want to fall back into waking up with you- and I can’t handle that rejection. I can’t stand being demoted. Really, I lost access to you months ago, but it’s real now. There’s no bounce back this time. I wish I could be friends with you like you want, but I can’t see you that way again. I fell in love with that person. As soon as I start remembering that person I’m going to be torn apart again. My only hope is to keep you at a distance as someone who didn’t see me for more than 5 minutes after a month of being in different countries before breaking my heart.

I know we can never go back. It’s broken, I’m broken, but I don’t know how to go forward either. I want you to come over so I can tell you all about it, but you can’t help me.

I can’t get you out of my dreams either. Any spare moment for my mind is another trap, it wanders right to you. Nights and weekends, nights and weekends, those are my enemies now.


I don’t know how to do another year and a half without you by my side. Putting my life in order without you is awful. I already booked that resort trip for April and can’t cancel it. No trip, no cruise, no camping, no dog walks, no hikes, no sex, no How I Met Your Mother or Orange is the New Black marathons. No movie education, no gallo pinto on Saturnday mornings or stealing sips of your coffee. No more Cartago Sunday’s or business beach trips. No more gossip. No more falling asleep on your chest after an exhausting week. No more stupid jokes or movie quotes. No more singing in the kitchen or watching you do impressions. Nomore watching you stand naked in your room or rock paper scissoring to see who had to unpause the computer. No more cooking lessons or pizza creations or Whatsapp picture convos. No more pillow barriers or dengue jokes. No more ice cream with an absurd amount of whipped cream in bed.

I loved the way you used to calm me down. I loved the way you always made a joke out of things. I hated how you laughed when I cried because emotion made you uncomfortable. I hate that i cried even more. I hate that I made major decisions with you in mind because now I’m stuck with them and not you. I love how my injuries and general body messes didn’t freak you out. I hate how you stopped talking to me. I hate that I couldn’t reach you and that I had to try so hard. I hate that you stopped looking at me and being gentle. I loved how considerate you used to be. I loved how you loved my friends. I hate that we had our best moments with them, not alone. I loved the sex we had during the World Cup, in Nosara, after my surgery, and the last day of Thanksgiving break. I hate that you stopped touching me. I hate how I went home and got all new clothes, all excited that you’d have something fresh to see and some classier looks on your arm- and now I have things and not you. You never saw them. I hate that overall I wasn’t worth enough for you to want to make it work.

I hate that I thought I really was doing okay- but I’m not,

and you’re really gone.


To the Exes: A Sincere Thank You

12 Sep

Dear Exes,

I’d love to say that I’ve grown tremendously as a person and experienced lots of success, no thanks to you, but that would be half a lie. I have grown and changed for the better- but it’s in large part thanks to you.


If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be here today. No, seriously…I wouldn’t have been anywhere near here.

Of course, the initial reaction to getting burned is denial, anger, or confusion. Luckily I’m far enough removed from all of that right now to be able to understand what I’m about to relay.

I want to, no I have to thank you for everything. The good, the bad, and the unexplainable. It takes change and challenge to grow and that’s why I am who I am today. Because you hurt me, loved me, challenged me, changed me. Because you ended things and forced me to reflect on who I was and if I liked who I was becoming. You made me consider who I was to myself and who I wanted to be to others. You made me face my faults and accept yours. A few years ago I would have just said you were a dick and I’d never recover. I’m glad we’ve passed that point.

From big things to small things you’ve molded me into a better version of myself. I like to think that I’m much more logical and understand when things don’t work out. People go different directions, they fight and they find other people. It’s all for good reason. When you’ve broken up with me and told me I was being crazy or obsessive or too distant or too uninvolved you were wrong, that is until I stopped being mad and looked at it. So you may have been blowing it out of proportion a little but hey- for real thank you for forcing me helping me to think about that and evaluate my reactions.

I got cheated on by one of you. I was also the other girl when we started. What did I learn? If you start of a relationship with someone while they are still in one with someone else- things are more than likely eventually doomed to end the same way. Not to mention, I was a lousy person for getting into it! I will not be the other girl again.

There were a few of you where I just became so focused on making the relationship work that I lost myself. After these I vowed to never lose myself in a relationship. I’ve started into relationships as a very  ambitious, persistent, and pretty stubborn (to put it nicely) girl. I knew what I wanted and what I deserved. After time and all was said and done, however, I realized that I had lost myself trying to hold onto something that was wrong for me. Thanks to these experiences, I now look for someone who compliments that rather than shadows it, and I realize that I need to keep being myself for an over quality of life.

I don’t like to hold a grudge, so with almost all of you I’ve tried to stay friends. After much continued difficulty I’ve come to know that staying just friends after an extremely high intensity relationship doesn’t (usually) work. We tried, and we were there for each other, even during the times we hated each other- but eventually one of us always started feeling that warm and familiar non-platonic longing to make it happen again-usually while the other did not. Sometimes you’ve just got to let go. Eventually you heal.

Oh and dear exes, how many of you have I tried to rush into relationships, or at least convinced myself I had a time-limit to secure things?! Had I only listened to the wise men who say “only fools rush in”, then perhaps I would have not ended up in the predicaments that led me to this lesson:

Respect yourself, or nobody else will.
I had a short-lived fling with a few of you over the years at different stages. I had an amazing time just talking with you and your friends, and playing games and getting to know you. I loved hearing about your ambitions and felt relaxed and alive when we were hanging out (which obviously I’ll never find again…or again..or again. No really, all my chances are up this time!…).  I was so anxious not to let something potentially good slip away so I tried to jump into things quickly just for the chance that it might help seal it and prevent it from disappearing once break was over and things went back to normal. I’m not really sure what caused me to have that insane schema, but my belief that I had to move quickly or else it would be gone actually had the opposite reaction. So, some of you I slept with quickly, thinking that would work…and you didn’t respect me or think of me as more than sex. At first I was really pissed about this. After, however, I grudgingly realized that you had a point. If I didn’t respect or believe in myself enough to think that I was worth building a foundation with, or that someone would stick around long enough to do that, how would anyone else believe it?

Then there was one of you who turns into my “the one that got away” story. We were inseparable at points over the years and you knew you wanted to be with me long before I was out of my ignorant determination to be with all the wrong guys. I totally friendzoned you. I’m sorry. You listened to me rant about the other guys without a word to let me know I was probably hurting you. You spent lazy days and crazy nights with me, talked to me literally all the time, and I loved every minute of it- but I didn’t want to take it past friendship. I had moments of doubt about my stance on that, but I always found a reason to deny it. Excuses after excuses. Finally, almost another year later, when I realized even more what an amazing person you were and how you were exactly who I wanted to be with- it was too late. Not only did I get denied, but I lost my best friend. Awful of you right? Wrong. I can’t blame you for reacting how you did. I hadn’t been fair or mature for years and without thinking about it, I had been a real jerk and took for granted that you were still always there. Unfortunately, not even my epiphany and regret, or time could recover that one.

Last, as a select few of you are aware, I live in Costa Rica. You select few are really special, especially the second of you. You broke up with me because I moved to Costa Rica. How dare you?! I mean, how on earth will I ever find another person JUST LIKE YOU who I finally trust and connect with? It’s selfish of you, really, to not stay with me when you won’t see me for months at a time. (Hopefully you’re picking up on that sarcasm). But honestly, to one of you- thank you for ending it. First off, you actually weren’t right for me. In fact, I don’t even know why I fought for that because you embodied at least half the the things that make me cringe. Second, I was able to enjoy my time so much more not worrying about getting home and skyping with you. I actually lived my life. To the second one of you, you’re wonderful. I’m still recovering from losing you but you showed me that even if the time isn’t right, even if I’m positive that I’ll never find anyone as understanding, and kind, and sexy, and compatible as you- that there’s still some good guys out there and that some relationships just end because of logistics, not emotions or events. It also gives me a nearly impossible bar for any future suitors, but I guess it took this long for me to realize I was worthy of the attention of someone that wonderful, and that I now know what I want.

I know I’ve conveyed these experiences in rather one-sided view. I know that I’m not perfect and I said and did things to help push different relationships towards their doom. I know in some cases I really wasn’t in the wrong. I still have a long way to go, but thanks to these main endeavors, I think I’ve grown stronger and more confident in both what I want, and how to give and receive a healthy balance. There are undoubtedly more mistakes and heartaches down the road- but hopefully now I’ll be able to handle them with a little more strength and grace.

From the bottom of my broken/healing/scarred/reconstructed/changing heart,The-HealingHeart




Here are some extra positives and less significant stuff you guys gave me that became a part of me, thanks!:

Learning how to make bangin’ pasta and creative pizza, being introduced to The Used, starting to learn to drive a stick, my first surf lesson, swimming under the clearest and biggest mass of stars I’ve ever seen at 3AM, actually becoming interested in sports, renewing my excitement about my job, forcing me to get awesome pillows, keeping me invested in staying in shape, and so much more.