Tag Archives: empower

Progress Achieved: Now Please Return to Square 1

19 Feb

SQUARE 1: Uncertainty, comparing new prospects to old ones, complete lack of dating life, missing the old relationship, irritated with overly-public couples, still feeling pretty strange about dating in general.

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Way back in September 2013 I published a post called “The Overly-Committed Commitmentphobe” where I stated,

“Relationships? Ppsh, not unless I think we’re getting married. Not that I want to get married, but if you’re not freaking awesome and I can’t see the long-term with you I’m probably out. Once I’m in, I’m usually in until you break-up with me. No matter how unhappy things are.”

Well, my friends. I’ve done what I never thought I could- I ended things with someone first. What happened?

Long story short – was dating him for about 6 months, nothing was ever officially defined but he had said on multiple occasions that he was absolutely not dating/pursuing/hooking up with anyone else. As I’m not the the to  pry and I give people the benefit of the doubt I was quite happy with things and left it at that. One beautiful Saturday morning I get news that a friend had found out he was seeing and sleeping with another girl that he’d met at my work Halloween party (note: do not mix work and pleasure). She was not from my work but nonetheless since that time they’d been seeing each other. She was aware that they were not exclusive- I on the other hand was not. I had him come over to talk in person and to give him the chance to come clean himself first and then again when I told him what I knew. Total denial. I felt awful about this potential lie so I had my sources double checked- and directly from said girl got the details that made the accusation even more concrete. As I don’t accept lying and cheating- at least not when it’s right in front of my face, I ended it.

I thought it would be easy- calling out the lie and being the strong one to end it and stand up for myself. I thought I’d feel proud and empowered. Nope.

I think knowing that it was my decision to lose what I had is actually a lot harder. Not to mention he himself never confirmed things (he didn’t argue against it very hard either though) and it left me in this terrible limbo of not knowing the actual truth. For all I know I called him out and he was telling the truth, and I not only hurt myself but him. If it is in fact true though- I should feel good that I cut it off now- and yet I’m not angry. Let’s be honest here too, angry is a lot easier than sad and forgiving. My friends have enough anger for both of us – but I can only expect to feed off of that for so long.

Fortunately at the time, and unfortunately now – he was a part of my life for a good chunk of recent time with good memories attached and those are found in little places everywhere. A scent on the pillow case (wash them asap) , the extra charger he’d use for his phone, the toothbrush in the bathroom (toss it), the extra blanket I bought because he was always colder than me. Little things that serve as constant memories.

I know I followed through everything the right way from when we met to how I ended it. I am pretty proud of myself for the maturity and poise I didn’t realize I honestly had in me (I guess all those past lessons really did pay off). However, after doing the right thing I’m still feeling pretty low about how it ended and the sheer fact that he’s gone, AND as a reward for playing by the rules and having some respect for me I’m back to square 1.

And to think I’d almost forgotten why I never tried to leave it in the first place….

Looking up, here’s to freedom, truth, and self-respect. May it get easier in time.

Speak Up! What’s the most useful lesson or self-growth you’ve gained from a breakup?