How Did I Get Here Again?

15 Jan

It’s been a long time since i’ve been on here. Turns out I don’t tend to write when I’m happy- I just live. Judging by the fact that it’s been about 10 months since I’ve posted anything of my own I’ve been really happy for the last 10 months. As is the nature of most of what comes and goes regarding my need to write- this is again dealing with a relationship. Last April I mentioned that there was a great guy I’d met who kept me waiting for an answer, and had told me that we’d have to be just friends and not pursue a relationship because of complications. If you do the math between the time of that post and this, you could probably make an educated guess that we ended up dating shortly after. And it was fantastic- until it wasn’t anymore.

breakup

We had a great time together. We had a similar sense of humor, he was considerate, my friends loved him, I loved him, he stayed with me through my surgery and recovery period when I broke my heel (that worst of that whole process was a solid 3 months- and could not have been easy in a new relationship), and I finally put down my guard and stopped trying to act like the Stepford wife of girlfriends.

As it turns out, after the first few months he stopped seeming so interested. He didn’t even say or do things that made me think he was really into me. I knew he cared, but I didn’t feel WANTED anymore. I brought it up and he reiterated that if he didn’t want to be with me he would tell me and that he just wasn’t expressive. Then he had a funny little way of never admitting to things, but showing that he listened by making minor changes like communicating more- until he didn’t, again.

We had one huge blow up about 6 months into the relationship. He’d traveled to New York for business and friends. I hardly heard from him. His social apps all around showed constant activity. He never allowed pictures of us together to be tagged and up. There was a picture of him with a very attractive blonde up a few days later. I wanted to see him the day he got home. He wanted to wait til the weekend. I expressed that I was upset. We got into a fight. He stopped talking to me for days. I thought we sorted it out by talking. He didn’t. We almost broke up. I cried, he cried, we had wine. We had sex. We said sorry. We talked about change. We stayed together. Things got better.

Until they didn’t. Again.

I stopped expressing my feelings. Everything that wasn’t what he wanted or thought was right, that I fought against was an impending threat to an eventual break up. I just had to accept everything he said and did and still know that he cared about me without him expressing it. After all, isn’t that what trust and love is all about? He never told me he loved me. I never dared express it outloud.

Fast forward 4 months. I’m going home for Christmas, and had booked my flight home late so I could see him for a few days after work ended before i left for 3 weeks. He had to go early on a business trip, so I didn’t see him before I left. He didn’t contact me the day I was leaving to tell me he’d miss me, or even to have a safe flight. He’d been posting on Facebook- I didn’t look for it, it came up on newsfeed. When I’d asked him why I didn’t hear from him and he told me he’d been working and had no time I brought up what I saw and asked him not to lie. I wasn’t trying to fight wiht him, I told him that I’d drop it but wanted him to know it bothered me. He started a fight. Refused to answer the phone. He stopped speaking to me for 4 days. We talked on and off about a week while i was home. A generic Christmas greeting here and there, a few pictures of our climate through Whatsapp, me getting excited about coming home to see him. Him promising that I was all his the night I got back. I didn’t even ask him to get me from the airport, I just wanted him that night.

He had other plans in mind, and when he mentioned them, I told him he should go to his family dinner, but I was probably not going to be up for it after traveling 12 hours. Not once did I tell him he shouldn’t go, but I did express that I was really disappointed because I was expecting something very different after not seeing him for a month.

Selfish. Possessive. Nuerotic.

Those are the words I got to describe myself according to him for how I felt about the change in plans. Once we were in the heat of it I didn’t express myself very well, but I don’t think enough to merit those descriptive words (especially this only being our 2nd flight in 10 months), and to hear,

Actually, I was excited to see you tomorrow, but I really don’t want to anymore.”

However, by this point I had accepted this as part of who he was. Quick easy temper when he feels defensive. Oddly long cool off period. Whatever. It stung but I wanted him, and I wanted us, so I didn’t push him.

I also didn’t hear from him the day I flew home. Or the one after.

I gave in the day after, explained what I meant, and things seemed to be resolved.

They weren’t.

Fast version: He comes over, says things haven’t changed and we had the same exact discussion when he came back from New York. There’s a pattern. It’s when we travel. I’m too needy. I’m too possessive for wanting to see him immediately after travel. He’s not expressive. It’s not going to change. He wants to be with me, but he’s not going to. If he hurt me, he’s sorry he didn’t mean to. He wants to stay friends. Doesn’t think I should shut him out totally. Do you want me to go? I’ll stay or go. Doesn’t matter that he’s going to leave anyway. He leaves. More tears. Distress.

And now I’m here. Waking up alone. All the habits and traditions and plans of the last 10 months smashed to pieces.

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