Archive | April, 2014

This Is What Happens When You Love Someone Who Has Built Up Walls

24 Apr

I feel as though this explains so much about me that I’ve been unable to explain about myself. Worth the read.


…to those who wait

3 Apr

Good things come to those who wait.

Though I should know who wrote that, I haven’t the desire to search for it right now- I have some thoughts to express. As it turns out, I’m not very good at the whole waiting thing.

As I’ve mentioned in some previous posts, loss seems to be  a common theme in my life this past year. In reference to the relationship kind, that’s been more prominent than ever.

I am grateful for all of the lessons, the failures, and struggles these relationships inevitably come to face. I have grown from them and am at a point in my life where I can recognize what I’ve had to learn and change from. It makes the loss a tad more tolerable. It doesn’t make it any easier though.

As it turns out, I actually met a good guy and we shared a mutual physical, intellectual, and moral interest. We had been hanging out very frequently and had come to be in a very open communication, both expressing how we felt and what we needed.

Sure, it sounds great… but it’s never that simple.

This wonderful guy and I met through the guy I was previously dating. They don’t actually seem to be fantastic friends, but they’re friends nonetheless.

Now, as this huge improvement in my selection of guys is one of the good guys- his conscience has gotten in the way, and has halted the progress of our relationship. And by halted I mean severed completely….

Why? Why must the universe tease me with what I can have and then rip it away?

Clearly…it’s because I choose not to wait. It’s not that I can’t – it’s that I won’t. If I had heeded warning not to date B (previous guy) I was supposed to meet M (current..or recently un-current if you will). I did it anyway. There was something in front of me that seemed fun and like it was going to work well- plus I’d never met the other guy before and set ups are awkward and I may never meet him anyway and who knew if things would even click so if I were to wait I’d be losing out on what was actually there?

Then things ended with B and I could have eased into what felt like an eternally long friendship waiting for the right time – but that would go against my impulsive need to express and go for what I want, after all, I missed out on so many things in the past from waiting for the right time, or the right circumstance or the right sign. I waited on everything and everyone else.And when I did that I lost out.

So this time I continued to go for what my gut told me. I expressed what I needed and I made my interests clear. A little progress was made. Then I had to have an answer about where it was going- and the response was not what I wanted to hear. And I lost. When I did wait and it seemed like good things came my way they ended. When I didn’t, I lost. So what’s the deal?

Waiting, I’ve concluded, is a total spoonful of words to help people who are uncertain or afraid feel better about their slow actions, or lack there of.Unless waiting is to help stop us from murdering the neighbors sumo wrestling at 3am… I guess it has it’s purpose. But in safe, typically sane circumstances waiting is bullshit.

No matter what side I enter from, whatever I had has been doomed to failure. Because I’m not done learning. No matter how long or short those good things last- they come to an end regardless of how long I restrained myself from what I wanted.

The consequences aren’t always pretty, but they serve a purpose, but for now – for me – waiting will just be doing what my gut tells me to, when it feels ready.